


Dorkus Supreme

by thetoastlives



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Trans Character, also if i have time to continue it i will i have a plot but writing takes FOREVER, theres gonna be porn later too what what, this is gonna be heart breakingly adorable, this will hopefully be long but idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-02-23 15:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2551874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetoastlives/pseuds/thetoastlives
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reiner and Connie meet on omegle, and Connie is awful at flirting, and Reiner is less than awful at ukulele.  Now featuring long distance Jean and Marco, sweaty grunting Bertholdt, and Reiner's undying knack for bad jokes and copious levels of self confidence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Diet Pepsi Cola

Reiner shifts a little in his chair and disconnects quickly.  He had spent an uncomfortable amount of time talking to a girl who really seemed to want to show him her tits, but she wanted him to coerce her- and he really just... He didn’t want to.  He’s here more for the people jerking it on cam without regard, not so much underage girls.  Not that he was that far on this side of adulthood, but really, you can tell when a girl has to think about her age and puts in ‘almost’s and amplifiers like that.  But there is also the fact that on top of being a kind, funny, sexy bastard he is incredibly homosexual and not at all inclined to try and get a hard on to appease the self esteem of a teenage girl he isn’t attracted to.  

Reiner blows out his air and clicks on the button for the next person.  Fifteen minutes, he pretended to be interested in talking about books he’s never read and how annoying it was that people were obsessed with the world cup (people like him, which he didn’t let slip).  He presses his fingers softly at his crotch to kind of let his little friend there know he might be getting something interesting.

And then on the screen is this sweet looking tan kid, like from that one bara comic where the shaved head guy is all like “You’re about to get fucked by a homo” and Reiner laughs within a second of seeing him.  Reiner stops laughing and the guy- a kid, really- smiles at him a little sheepishly and Reiner returns it, biting his lip crookedly and pulling it out of his mouth.  The kid looks right into the camera, and he’s so fucking earnest, it’s...

“What, no ‘tits or gtfo’?”

The guy with the whitest, straightest smile Reiner had ever seen grins a little, catching a silent kind of laugh and putting in his other headphone- apparently Reiner’s voice was worth both ears- and, christ, he’s got the cutest, gentlest accent you could hardly notice- maybe South America?

“Well I won’t need to, since your cleavage is already poking out over your v-neck.”

“I have to attract mates _somehow_ ”

The guy with the shaved head hesitates a little and then leans forward towards his camera, with this adorable, honest, bare-all look in his eyes, like he can’t see Reiner’s elbow shifting below the stretch of the camera in preparation for what he’s going to try and make happen.

The silence stretches a little longer as they watch each other and then Reiner does his lip biting smile again and looks away a second.  Christ, that looking into the camera thing felt kind of like eye contact.

“So, uh. Where are you from, anyway?”

“Originally? Brazil.  But, you know, I moved with my parents to the states a few years ago.  Lucky me, yeah? Miss the world cup. What about you? I’m guessing you’ve at least grown up here.”

“Ah, that obvious? I mean, I lived in Germany for a while when I was a kid, but you know, boring domestic dudebro.  But Brazil, really? I was wondering about your, you know. Accent.”

The guy smiles his earnest fucking smile that was going to end up killing Reiner he swears to god, and then theres a brief quiet period and the guy opens his mouth to say something but Reiner blurts out some horribly fucked up attempt at flirting.

“‘s kinda hot, you know.  Romantic language and all.”

The guy blushes really hard and Reiner feels the air cool as his own cheeks dust pink.  This was going to be challenging.

“So I don’t... go on here a lot, but can I get an age and a name, really quick? I mean unless you’re a nine year old called Nancy Jeanette Parker, then maybe I should just, you know.”

The guys lips twitch.

“No! I mean, don’t- don’t disconnect, or anything.  I just turned 18, couple weeks ago. And my name, um.  My name is...”

The (thankfully legal) guy scratches the back of his head.  Reiner would usually get sick of waiting for him to obviously make up a name, like Reiner’s going to track him down or something, jesus.

“Look, don’t laugh, okay? It’s- it’s kind of...”

“If it helps my name is Reiner.  Like the most german german that ever german-ed, so-”

“Oh my god, seriously? Christ shit, well mine’s... worse, but it’s-”

He pauses, and Reiner realizes he’s riveted asking for this kid’s fucking name.  By the curve of his mouth and the way his ears stick out from his head just so, and the shy little flutter of his eyelashes between when he looks at Reiner and at the camera. Christ.

“My name is- I’m Connie.”

Reiner wants to laugh, but it’s... Endearing, kind of adorable.  It fits- the name is small and soft and sweet and playful, and from the brief touching of thought they’re sharing Reiner can trust Connie’s just the same- Reiner can assume Connie’s just the same.  His lips twitch up at the edges.

“I’m 19, by the way.  Thank god you’re legal.”

Connie’s lips press together- he’s embarrassed, Reiner can tell, and then he leans forward.

“So, I don’t really think I look like a man who likes women, yeah? I- well don’t take this the wrong way, Connie, but you don’t really either.”

Connie freezes and Reiner hears the breath catch in his throat, and he’s fucked up, christ he’s fucked up.

“Not- not that, I mean-”

“No, no Reiner, it’s- it’s alright.  I mean, I guess... I  mean- What I’m saying, or trying to is, well-”

“I got you, kid it’s alright.  You’re straight- it’s fine. I’m still going to-”

“NO! I mean, I’m-”

There’s a shout in return to Connie’s and Reiner snickers.  He waits and watches the way Connie’s jaw moves while he speaks.  He realizes a second later it’s in portuguese, which makes something in the pit of his stomach flutter with the words.  Fuck.

Connie turns back around.

“I’m- anyway, I’m not straight.  At any rate.”

“Cool”

“Yeah”

The silence from earlier returns and god is Connie attractive, christ Connie’s attractive if anyone was ever attractive.  Reiner presses his fingers against the seam of his cargo shorts when he turns around to yell at whoever was outside his room again.  Connie continues doing that for a minute or so and christ, the way his throat moves when he pushes his little whines.  Reiner is kind of thankful he doesn’t speak portuguese because he would probably be less attracted to whatever Connie’s... mom? probably? is pissed about. Eventually, he turns back around.

“Sorry, I’m sorry, my sister is pissed I got her the wrong yogurt when I went grocery shopping.”

“Yeah? Shit, my mom just yelled at me for the same thing.”

Connie teeters and laughs and it’s dorky and pealing and christ, and Reiner laughs too and quite guiltily puts his hands behind his thighs, nonchalantly leaning back.

“So- uh, I’m gay, you’re gay. I’m probably significantly gayer but hey, whatever, I can deal.”

Connie snorts a little, pooling his hands in his lap and smiling, wiggling his fingers together and god, he’s fucking cute as hell when he’s nervous.  He looks up at Reiner with his big, chocolate brown eyes and he smiles shyly.

“Bisexual. Well... I don’t know. Mostly ladies.”

“A solid mostly?”

“A solid mostly.”

There’s another small silence and then Reiner pitches forward slightly, looking at Connie looking into the camera again.  He’s fucking cute, it’s killing him slowly, like eating glass or some shit. Cute glass?

“D’you have a girlfriend? Or- I mean hey, a boyfriend. You bisexual you.”

Connie rears up a little, smiling like a challenge as he crosses his arms.

“Jeez, Reiner, you might make a guy think you want into his pants!”

“That’s... yeah, pretty much.”

Connie deflates and flushes, again, oh my god.

“S-seriously? Wow, um. Okay.”

Reiner smirks, flushing back and leaning forward, peeking into the camera like Connie has been to try and fluster him more.

“Oh yes.  I’ve been hitting on you this entire time, surprise surprise.”

“Well, I mean- You’re like, whoa, and I’m like... Nope.”

“Lies”

“What?”

“Lies. Slander, too, probably.”

They’re laughing and Reiner almost forgets about being ridiculously wet while he listens to Connie’s peals, like music that floats over his face, like sunlight at a fucking picnic.  God, he’s gorgeous.

“No, but- but seriously! I mean you’ve got, like, muscles! I mean unless you’ve got a micropenis-”

Reiner snorts and Connie backpedals.

“Or- oh, oh shit that was shitty, I mean you’re really, really hot, if you have a small dick, so-”

“My genital situation isn’t “micropenis”, no.”

“Great! I mean, I mean for you, so-”

Reiner laughs, and then Connie laughs, and then Reiner would punch him on the shoulder if he was there in real life. They cut off and look away and get quiet once again.

“So- Reiner, I mean, what state are you from?”

“Wisconsin.  I play for Wisconsin State College at Mt. Sina.”

“Oh! The Titans, right?”

“Yeah! Yeah.  Wow, shit, you’re a fan?”

“A big one! Well I mean, you’re one of the freshmen, right? I think I saw you on TV a few weeks ago.”

“Congrats.”

“Thanks.”

The silence ensues, and Reiner keeps smiling.  He shifts in his seat, looking up at Connie again.

“So, uh.  Got any interests?”

Connie brightens visibly, and Reiner shifts again.  He tries to will Connie to say something along the lines of “showing you my dick”, and then Reiner could be like “Oh, chill” and then Reiner’s junk could catch a break.

“I- I mean, I watch Adventure Time a lot.  I’m kind of interning for them, this summer, so, that?”

“Wait, legit? Adventure Time Adventure Time?”

Reiner shifts forward a little excitedly.  His poor, super-turgid glory could wait.

“Uh, yeah.  I’m helping the guest animation director.”

“That show is my shit, that is so cool.”

“Thanks? Thanks, yeah.”

Connie looks away slightly and Reiner perks up more, holding up a finger.

“Wait a second, just-”

Reiner stands and walks off screen and throws a bunch of books away from his ukulele case, drawing out a red lacquered piece of childhood and settling back down as Connie yells more offscreen to his sister.  Reiner covers his crotch with his uke, as if he can will arousal away with childhood guilt.

Connie sees the instrument and raises his eyebrows, pitching forward.

“You’re joking.”

Reiner raises his eyebrows as he readies the beginning chord.

“Oh my god, stop.”

Reiner strikes and draws in breath to start singing.

“You’re ridiculous, I’m not forgiving you if you-”

“Adventure Time- Come on, grab your friends-”

Connie covers his gorgeous, pink glowing face with his hands and Reiner gets a weird mix of satisfaction and excitement from embarrassing him.

“distant lands, with-”

Connie peeks up and grins through his hands as he starts to sing along for the end.

“and Finn the human, the fun will never end-”

“It’s Adventure Time!”

Reiner lets the last chord sit in the air for a second and then Connie and him burst into laughter.  Reiner has never found learning that shit useful before today- but now he’s learning the benefits of spending two and a half hours learning to sing without sounding like a tone deaf drunk dog.

The last of the laughter is dying out, leaving them to a smiling silence that Reiner would usually find uncomfortable, if Connie’s face didn’t please him so much.

“We should be friends.”

“We should.”

“Here, I’ll-”

Reiner types his skype into the chat box, and Connie returns with his.  They smile a little more at each other, and then Connie’s sister calls him once more, and he has to go.

“I’m- I’ll skype you?”

“Sure thing, Connie.”

Connie smiles up at him, and then disconnects.  Reiner licks his lips and smiles, and oh my god he’s in love, probably.  Reiner puts the camera down on his crotch and waits for the next stranger to show up.

 


	2. Witch Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiner and Connie skype each other while Reiner sits in lectures. It’s cute and flirty and stupid. Reiner thinks about Connie at 4 am and how their hands would fit together and is totally and completely fucked.

Reiner's never had this kind of anxiety contacting someone digitally before.  He almost never gets all awkward and weird and gross, you know? It's all "oh, hey, I'm Reiner Braun, super masculine gorgeous bachelor with a solid gold humility engine", and the fact that Connie makes him nervous makes him more nervous, like all his feelings are too big and bubbling under his skin.

reindeer:  are you busy or nah

conman14:  or nah

Reiner smiles more than he should and shifts in his seat.  He glances at Connie’s profile picture more than he should and spends longer typing out his message than he should.

reindeer:  so hows it going

It’s basic, he knows it sounds like he’s reaching.  He feels like he’s reaching.  Reiner draws his legs up tighter until they’re crossed at the knee, and he looks fucking ridiculous but fuck it. He’s great in person- he has pizazz and razzle dazzle built into his smile.  Text doesn’t really carry his smiles.  He flashes around his message screens while he pretends to be busy and waits for his response.

conman14:  got 30 years of bs from my roommate for using his cam

conman14:  on omegle

Reiner licks his lips and shifts again.  There was some part of him happy that Connie didn’t cam with people often- he doesn’t examine it, he chooses not to examine it.  There is a hell of a lot of a lack of examination going on, it is astounding how little.

reindeer:  prick

reindeer:  how dare he get in the way of you and a german with a ukulele

Reiner can practically picture Connie’s eyebrows twitching as his dumb gorgeous smile grows across his face- he saw it a few times when they first met, and it’s been stuck in his head ever since.  Its kind of killing his whole “sexy strangers on chat” vibe, on account of the whole “eh he’s hot but he isn’t into adventure time and look how not cute his ears are ew” shit that Reiner can’t seem to stop doing.  It’s getting kind of pathetic.

conman14:  oh my god

conman14:  you cannot even picture the level of disgust rn

Reiner’s lips twitch into a grin and he shifts back in his chair, hiding his phone in his lap a little more tightly.  Connie was so great embarrassed- Reiner is thinking he is going to embarrass Connie as much as possible.  Keep him a perpetual shade of pink so his relatives can ask him how the fuck he got sunburned never leaving the building Reiner imagines him having his internship at.

reindeer:  scat disgust or blackhead in your ear disgust

conman14: accidentally seeing your gym teachers balls disgust

reindeer:  not gonna lie

reindeer:  kinda disappointed in my skills rn

Reiner may or may not be cracking up right now.  It wasn’t that funny, he knows it wasn’t, but imagining Connie saying that as nonchalantly as he typed it kind of slays him a little. Maybe more than a little. Sue him.

His professor is looking up from his desk like he’s actually going to try it and so Reiner quiets down more.  His stomach feels fluttery and he wonders if its appendicitis.

conman14:  not gonna lie

conman14:  always been kinda disappointed in your “””””skills””””””

Reiner’s smile quirks.  Is he flirting? He wants to be flirting.  Flirting is so great Connie, come on, bro, seriously, flirt with Reiner plz.

reindeer:  that’s not what your MOM said,,,

conman14:  00000000000000000 HHHHHHHHHHHH

Reiner smiles to himself and makes a few more mom jokes.  Connie is great- Connie is the best.  Reiner likes Connie way more than he likes the stupid movie adaptations they’ve been watching almost fucking daily, and if he’s honest he could see himself liking him better than his chemistry lecture tomorrow, too.

* * *

 

conman14:  do you never have class??

Reiner shifts in his seat.  He’s got a TA watching him watch some TED talks and take notes, and he really could not be bothered with it.  He’s had a pretty busy week- but he’s been filling up everything with Connie.  Mom jokes in english, puns in chem, complaining in history, selfie olympics in the caf.  When Connie was busy, and Reiner wasn’t, he browsed through Connie’s blog- and it was almost like talking to Connie but better because there was such a lack of shame about constant and blatant shitposting that Reiner thought he might be looking at a time portal into 2008.  His picture on there was literally none pizza with left beef.  His icon was a meme.  Reiner knew then and there that they were soulmates.

reindeer:  they load all of the learning into my brain while i sleep

reindeer:  think venture bros except in exchange i kick balls instead of torsioning them

conman14:  you would like venture bros

reinder:  you shit talking venture bros

Reiner’s lips twitch bright and curl at the corners and he imagines Connie grinning because he can’t help it. Connie cannot keep a smile off his face, it is ridiculous.  He leans forward on his elbows, grinning a little more so that they’re both grinning like idiots (he hopes) and picks at the peeling rubber sole of one sneaker with the other one.

conman14:  wait are you a titmouse fan

conman14:  ew

Reiner falters a little and decides Connie is joking, because he really needs Connie to be joking.  He glances at the TA, who appears to have gotten her laptop out and is currently wrecking the class’s ability to see shit on the projector because of her egregiously powerful brightness settings.

reindeer:  you shit talking titmouse ill fight you

reindeer:  everything they make is the essence of beauty

The dotdotdot flingles around like dotdotdots are prone to do, and Reiner worries that perhaps, for whatever reason, Connie was legitimately disgusted with Reiner’s enjoyment of the titmouse enterprise.  Which was a stupid thing to do to a soulmate, so Reiner starts dispelling it when he gets his reply.

conman14:  ugh no but like

conman14:  they passed me up

conman14:  took this guy raj that is nowhere near my skill no where NEAR

Marco kicks the back of Reiner’s chair and Reiner gives him the finger behind his head before uncapping his pen and jotting down notes for a few minutes.   Reiner doesn’t look at notes- there is no point for him to look at notes.  His general studying techniques are “speed read the textbook and hope for the best”, and the best is usually a B or a C and a consistently rejected offer of tutoring from Marco, his slightly overbearing but loving mother hen.  It’s eight full minutes before he gets back to Connie.  An eternity.

reindeer:  r u jelly

reindeer: i figured you just didnt like superjail

reindeer:  instead it is the story of a deepset secret rivalry that only you know about

Connie takes a little bit of time to respond now, and Reiner uses the time to jot down more about the TED talk he can literally look up and watch tonight, just in case Marco’s kicking foot is feeling extra fiery this morning.

conman14:  superjail is such bullshit thooooooo

Reiner snorts quietly and Armin turns around to give him a dirty look.  Reiner shrinks a little and generally tries not to be a nuisance, really, but if there are two things that Reiner Braun is not, those things are considerate and small.

reindeer: ikr like why do we need more stoner toons more venture bros immediately

conman14:  nerd

reindeer: :P loser

There’s another space where Reiner can write more.  He hopes Connie will start using emojis with him- Reiner finds them the easiest way to communicate via text.  Sometimes it is the only way he will communicate via text- and he sends Bertl the poop emoji, a lot.  Like once he typed it 100 times in the same message and that was the funniest thing he has ever done, even if it ate up a buttload of his 4G.

conman14:  why would you lick a loser

This snort is much louder than the last one and he crosses his legs, putting his phone face down for the benefit of the people around him and starts writing like he’s the best student there ever was.  Or, you know, writing as many notes as Marco.  He lasts about five minutes.

reindeer:  is this you coming onto me

conman14:  oh my god

reindeer: nono

reinder: this is feeling a little hey hey you you i dont like your girlfriend

reindeer: except im gay and ur gay 4 me and i havent licked anyone recently

There’s another, longer silence where Reiner holds his pencil and wants to write notes, like really really wants to write notes, but instead stares at the open face of his phone.  He tries not to think about how maybe that solid mostly on the whole mostly ladies thing was a confirmation of “I am not attracted to you” and not a confirmation of “I am attracted to you”.   Reiner wishes he could clarify without stopping the whole joking thing.

conman14:  i dont even know how to respond right now like for real

conman14:  musclebound soccer star telling me his bj schedule

conman14:  immediately after a bad 90s pop reference

conman14:  who even ARE you

Reiner’s mouth quirks and he glances at the clock.  And then he glances around him, and he looks back down at his phone.

reindeer:  u must be really thirsty for the d if you think i was referring to sexual licking

reinder:  like three months ago i licked bertl on the face

reindeer:  just to freak out some old people

reindeer:   just whammo

conman14:  is this your way of telling me you are dating someone with a name worse

than yours

conman14:  or your way of saying that i should definitely cancel the old people

singogram im sending

reindeer:  if ur way of wooing me is old people than you are possibly worse at wooing

than even i

conman14:  excuse you people like vintage things why not vintage people

conman14:  also tell me about “bertl”

Reiner glances at the bell again, running his lower lip against his teeth and shifting in his desk to drag his stuff out of the undercarriage and pack up.  He has a paper to write for midnight.

reindeer:  i gotta go later loser

conman14: yeah fine bye nerd

conman14:  have fun with bertl ur bf

conman14: hope he knows hes dating a nerdddddd

conman14:  are you seriously not reading these

conman14:  ur so annoying i h8 you message me late but not late late

conman14:  im having a eat all jeans food party with sasha

conman14:  not that you know them or anything fuck

conman14:  youve been gone an hour this is sad im just gonna go

conman14:  bye

* * *

 

Reiner shifts in bed, lumping up his feet and twisting in his sheets a while before cocooning himself.  This was getting ridiculous.

He glances over at Marco’s clock- he hadn’t bought one on account of the whole smartphone business, but Marco was a different breed, a clock buying breed- and presses his tongue against his back molars and tries to figure out if 4 am is horrifyingly late at night or horrendously early in the morning.  He decides probably both and rolls onto his back.

He closes his eyes, breathing out slowly through his mouth.  It’s so quiet he can hear it exiting his lungs and he gathers comfort in the deflation.  He thinks about puppies and kittens and baby sheepies and then there is the next thing on the cute list and it causes more problems because it is a grinning loser with a shaved head and gingerbread skin and hands that Reiner wanted to fit into his own like puzzle pieces.  Then Reiner gets on a track about the curve of an upper lip he wanted to try kissing away and then kissing back when it was finally gone- about how slightly stick out ears make a soft, happy head easier to hold and how they would brush the webs of his thumbs and about whether Connie would close his eyes like in a movie or if he would try to keep them open and to watch Reiner blurrily until it hurt.  Reiner wants to know if he can make Connie forget to breathe through his nose and have to pull back, if he can make him flush darker than he can with words.

Reiner squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head.  He turns on his side, away from Marco on the opposite side of their assigned room, and tries not to think about Connie and fails, and knows he is absolutely, positively fucked. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you dont think that marco is the mom friend that reiner and connie need desperately you are factually incorrect speaking of which jan and marco the long distance couple are about to come up as integral characters esp insuffrable prick (tm) jean
> 
> sorry this took so long to gt out, i wrote the first chapter and went to japan and then everything fell apart post japan. this was kinda therapeutic to write today but idk if this is gonna be very """scheduled""".


	3. National Bestseller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Video chat with Marco and Jean, Gym Selfies, Slight Characterization Issues. This is moving quicky dicky, whoop.

Reiner resets his wandering upper lip and watches Marco’s hands as they fly over his keyboard, extended far past where they would like to be so the webcam can capture the pair of dweebs contacting dweeb codename lovebird 2.0.  Marco sucks his teeth, making a small noise, and then clicks the little grey permissions box at the corner of his screen so that an annoying, slightly grimacing Belgian face can pop up.

“I was kind of hoping the “surprise” was going to be something other than a large blond man.”

Reiner quirks an eyebrow and shifts in his seat, spreading his legs and glancing at Marco before quirking his mouth at his screen.

“Glad to hear you think about getting into Marco’s pants so much you can’t be satiated with his frequent ‘bathroom breaks’.”

Marco draws up his shoulders and smacks his hands onto his thighs.

“Is it absolutely necessary for the conversation to fly out the window and into an innocent bystander’s pants literally every time you guys talk to eachother?”

Jean cracks a small smile as Reiner replies with an “Of course”.  Marco huffs slightly, shifting on his bed and looking into the camera the way he knows makes Jean uncomfortable, and Reiner can totally appreciate Marco making Jean uncomfortable for his entertainment.

“I thought I was going to meet your ever elusive breed of roommate tonight?” Marco sighs, “I was all excited about meeting the man who taught Sasha the meaning of the phrase “lack of moderation”.”

Jean shrugs.

“He’s been a little busy whacking it constantly for me to give him an invite.”

There is a loud, slightly flustered “Hey!” from the background and Reiner snorts.  Jean turns to someone off cam and starts threatening to talk about the “laundry incident” if he doesn’t get over here.  Reiner prepares for the mocking of a lifetime as the camera shifts.

“So should I be worried my reigning title of world champion dick smotherer is being threatened or-”

Reiner stops.  He stops for flushed gingerbread cheeks and he stops for stick out ears and he stops for wide brown embarrassed eyes and he stops for Connie.

“Love at first sight, huh?” Jean scoffs.

Marco looks at the camera and at Reiner and cocks his head.  He elbows Reiner softly and shifts his toes.

“I’m pre-med so I might not be sure, but are you having heart palpitations?” Marco says teasingly.

Jean snickers more and Reiner flushes lightly.

“So, uh.  This mean you have the corner market on me masturbating and on me licking things that aren’t meant to be licked, then?”  Reiner says, face slightly slack but warming.

Jean crosses his arms and turns his shoulders toward Connie.

“Is he saying he’s had your dick in his mouth?”  Jean says, still only half joking and 4/2 mocking.

Connie shakes his head violently, drawing up his shoulders like he’s a turtle retracting into his collarbone.  Reiner’s mouth flies off kilter like a bad videogame and his eyebrows raise as his eyelids part with enthusiasm.

“Don’t seem so opposed, Connie, or you might never get to experience the cathedral majesty of Reiner Braun’s velvet mouth.  Have people driving from as far as Indiana to see this world fuckin’ wonder.”

Connie cracks a still embarrassed smile and raises his eyebrows.

“So you’re saying you are immune to road trip taint stench, then?”

“If you’re saying you’re gonna drive up here for my majestic blowing panache, then sure.”

“Now who’s hitting on who, huh?”

Jean and Marco are kind of piecing things together, or at least trying to figure out if Reiner and Connie are a thing, or if they are friends, or literally anything.  That is, until Jean’s eyes light up.

“I’m going to have to put a time out on cocksucking for a second here to ascertain if Reiner here is the musclebound soccer star ukulele player that has forced his way into literally every conversation Connie has had in the past two weeks?”

“I certainly hope there isn’t more than one blond, german, musclebound soccer star ukulele player out there, much less that Connie knows.  Shit could cause a rip in the time space continuum.”

They laugh.

* * *

 

Reiner loves the planet fitness so much it isn’t even funny.  He loves the way people aren’t allowed to comment on his hot bod while he’s jogging, or while he’s doing bullshit free weights, or while he’s making Bertl spot him on the bench press so he can make fun of how moist his kneecaps are looking like wow get some gold bond spray, son.  He loves the yellow and purple judgement free atmosphere, he loves the way people don’t try to scope his junk in the locker room, he even loves the way they don’t talk about his gender biz or make it into this federal fucking issue.  Its great, planet fitness is great, wow Reiner’s deltoids are getting a little numb sounds like its time to switch to squats.

“So, uh.  You’ve, you know, been texting someone, a lot.”

Reiner turns his head towards Bertl, gym buddy extraordinaire who brings his own box of clorox wipes to be extra considerate.

“Well, not everyone is satisfied with trying to interpret my poop emojis.”

“Reiner, legit, elaborate.”

Reiner just kind of snorts, feeling the burn in his thigh muscles as he goes down with his heavier weights.

“What is this, a fuching SAT prompt? Jeez, Bertl, didn’t know it was time for standardized testing.”

Bertl just kind of makes one of his vaguely uncomfortable throat noises as he crinkles his eyes.  He doesn’t ever really laugh in public, on account of the whole thing where he’s a sad little robot with no feelings and all.  

“Are you getting another boyfriend”

“Wow, pushy, its almost like you’re trying to get in my pants.”

Bertl makes another uncomfortable noise and Reiner laughs.

“Nah, nah he’s... a friend.  It’s chill.”

Bertl’s next guttural noise is a more affirmative one, and Reiner trusts that means he’s let it go.  He gets through all his squats and moves on to lunges before Bertl says anything else.  Looks like Reiner’s trust has been betrayed.

“Where do you even know him from?”

Reiner makes a small farting noise with his tongue, which makes a bunch of the moms on ellipticals look over at him disapprovingly.  He looks at Bertl to try and diffuse the negativity, but he has his mouth pushed shut and his eyebrows up in his concerned turtle toucan expression and that doesn’t really help anything.

“Look, don’t worry, ok? I met him online, but like, not like the other online guys, ok? We’re just friends, like super great friends, and he’s super cute, and mostly straight, and he interns at Adventure Time, ok?”

“Wait, seriously, uh. Adventure Time, Adventure Time?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“You didn’t play the uke, did you?”

Reiner raises his eyebrows and Bertl grunts his embarrassment on Reiner’s behalf, his introvert born schadenfreude, and puts his weights away.  Reiner Isn’t quite sure his ass has been blasted properly today, but Bertl looks like he’s turning in and Reiner still needs to borrow his towel because of an incident earlier with a coolatta and the angered, currently benched goalie.  

“What, you get done with me and you get done with exercise?”

“Come on, Reiner, you know I have a match tonight.”

“Ah yes, whatever will they do if you can’t pull lightning fast moves with your shitty queen because I made you be healthy for an evening and your arms ache.”

But Bertl makes a weird, squirmy noise like Reiner is making him late for his own wedding because he is the best man and wants to finish shaving the batman symbol into his bare chest before they leave, and so Reiner gives in and puts his weights away.

“We’re going running after.”

Bertl’s noise is tired instead of protesting, so Reiner takes that as a win.

* * *

 

Reiner towels himself off- his hair is short and his skin is as per usual dry as hell, so it usually doesn’t take too long, especially since he isn’t exactly in his weird 17 year old going through puberty phase anymore.  Bertl both has longer hair and a copious amount of shower humidity bound to his sweaty skin, so he takes a hell of a time longer to get out than Reiner, who spends the off time throwing on a too tight shirt with something dorky on it and some basketball shorts for the evening he was going to spend playfully hitting on Bertl and his friends to see if they could get any more nervous than they already were around a hot gay guy.  It was usually quite an evening- he was almost positive one of the other chess club nerdos, Armin, had an aneurysm when he had started talking about his entirely falsified “shirtless co-showers” with Marco.  The kid’s crush was literally hilarious, and Marco would hit him for falling completely out of line by saying that, but honestly Armin looked like he needed some wank material more than a relationship.  Sue him.

He slides open his phone and scrolls through some texts from his teammates- nothing urgent, mostly shit about who was going to DQ after Saturday’s practice and how transport was gonna work- and then pops open skype to bother Connie.

 

> reindeer: are you ready for all my sweaty gym selfies
> 
> 5172015060501.jpg
> 
> FILE SENT
> 
> 5172015060502.jpg
> 
> FILE SENT
> 
> 5172015060503.jpg
> 
> FILE SENT
> 
> 5172015060504.png
> 
> FILE SENT
> 
> reindeer: i hope you dont mind i put that last one through a purikura app
> 
> reindeer: so kawaii while pumping iron uwu
> 
> reindeer: oh and in the third one bertls the guy in the background
> 
> reindeer: he wasnt even working out that hard hes just
> 
> reindeer: moist

Reiner can see Connie’s icon has the green dot, but he figures he’s just... talking to someone, or something.  Yeah.  He shoves his phone into his pocket as Bertl emerges from the showers, fully clothed because he’s too shy to show his nipples to strangers, and then Reiner teases him into leaving.  

* * *

 

> conman14: ...
> 
> conman14: ................
> 
> conman14:!....................................................................................................................!!!

Reiner gets like four more weird bubble noises when he finally brings his phone up from the couch.  He nods, making like he’d been told something serious, before he stands.

“Yo, sorry, gotta take this.  Bertl’s mom wants to let me know how long its gonna be until my bun pops out of her oven.”

He pats Bertl’s arm as he stands, walking away to a chorus of snickers more aimed at Bertl’s uncomfortable whine than Reiner’s shitty mom joke.  They’ve all had enough liquor that its barely funny anyway, but drunk Bertl is basically an unhappy cat that is too lazy to get out of its position and would like you to just please leave it alone, or it will breathe on you, and its the best.  

Reiner walks outside- its around 60, 65 degrees, and he doesn’t mind a bit of a chill.  It’s gotten dark, it was dark when he left Bertl’s match but its gotten night-ier since he’d been drinking.  He grins like an idiot as he leans back on the now closed door, turning down the brightness on his phone so he can read it in the barely-dark of the nearby street light.  He can hear nature-y things stirring around him, too late for lightning bugs, but still a time when you can see moths attacking the specks of floating whatever illuminated in the stripes of gold coming from the too high bulb maybe 30 feet away.  Reiner licks his lips.

 

> reindeer: bro ur gonna have to clarify a little on what that means

The dotdotdot does more flingling, but Reiner’s anxiousness has been eased about it and he’s pretty content to wait.  He’s at worst a little tipsy, and he’s a fun drunk anyway.  At least, the amount of parties he’s been to suggests that.  He gets a little lost thinking about parties and taking Connie to parties and being drunk with Connie and having fun with Connie and consequently jumps a little when his skype notification goes off.

 

> conman14: oh, yeah sorry, it just means !!!!!!!????????!?!?!? so
> 
> conman14: i think you are the one that needs to elaborate
> 
> conman14: so

Reiner feels like Connie is mad about something, but Connie also gets like this when he’s flustered and joke-mad or whatever, so he doesn’t stress about it.  He breathes a little and waits to see the dotdotdot stop its incessant flingles before he types out his response.

 

> reindeer: dude i have no idea what you are talking about like 4 reel so
> 
> conman14: you sent me like ten borderline sexts earlier today
> 
> conman14: like what was that about

Reiner squirms up his eyebrows, drawing his head back uncomfortably.  Sexts? He isn’t good at sexting, he doesn’t sext.  He doesn’t think he’s ever even tried to work out the logistics of attempting a dick pic.

 

> reindeer: wait you mean my gym selfies
> 
> reindeer: obvi so you could see i got a hot bod and be proud of me bb
> 
> reindeer: unless you dont want to be proud of me and my glutes in which case
> 
> reindeer: wow i might cry from you being mean boo hoo lol

There is more flingling.  Reiner is getting a little frustrated, but he takes a deep breath and shifts on his feet, realizing he’s left his sneakers inside and then remembering he’s left other things inside, like booze and pallies.  The things he does for this shitty cute bald kid.

 

> conman14: dude your glutes are so foine im crying over them
> 
> conman14: mecha pride
> 
> conman14: but also i was not really prepared for unsolicited muscle shots
> 
> reindeer: dude thats all i am
> 
> reindeer: unsolicited muscle shots and casual affectionate bullying with the occasional shitty reference
> 
> conman14: i know this is a bit of a change of subject but if thats what you are what am i

Reiner audibly snorts and leans into his cell more.

 

> reindeer: “i know you are but what am i” remind me how old are you

The flingle takes way longer than any previous dotdotdot, and Reiner is actually concerned Connie is trying to message him the fucking Iliad over here when he finally gets a response.

 

> conman14: legal ;P

Reiner’s main response is flaring his nostrils, but then he remembers that Connie cannot see him and he makes raspberry with his mouth before he responds in a way that takes significantly more effort.

 

> reindeer: as a wise man once pointed out the flaw of an emoji tongue
> 
> reindeer: why would you lick legality

Reiner is only slightly ashamed of himself for backing out of that little flirting thing Connie was trying out, but its probably for the best because the rest of the conversation devolves into blow jobs and Pheonix Wright and to be honest, Reiner needs it more than he needs to hit on Connie.  Plus, the audio frequency of keen Bertl makes when no one can open the door because Reiner is leaning on it without really meaning to be a barricade is a A+ snapchat story.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating may change next chapter, but thats a strong may. Also the second half was written recently and the first half from forever ago, sorry it took literally 5 months, im trash, bluh bluh bluh, love me.


End file.
